Growing up, our siblings receive the very best and the very worst of ourselves. They’re the ones with whom we feel free to show the most disdain, and yet they’re also the individuals for whom we do just about anything. It’s a typical tale: older brother harasses the younger but older brother is the first to come to the rescue should a non-family member cause his sibling pain.
When children are young, and particularly when they’re close in age, it can be difficult to inspire a bond. Conflict is typical, and parents find themselves playing referee more often than not. Kids compete for attention, for toys, for one-on-one time with parents. With the development of empathy, which really blossoms around age four, children learn to view a situation from another point of view. Before this concept of “otherness” comes into play, children are the centres of their tiny universes, and it’s incredibly difficult to inspire a feeling of unconditional love or camaraderie between siblings.
While it can be a full-time endeavour, parents can facilitate their children’s bonding early on. Help your young ones get along better by understanding why they fight. By addressing the root of the problem, you can help raise happy, close-knit siblings.
Different Temperaments
No matter how similarly we’re raised, individuals remain individuals. From birth, parents can identify the temperament traits of their children, and this is a good indicator of how well (or not so well) siblings get along. An outspoken child may overwhelm a quieter sibling, and resentment grows. A clingy child may inadvertently monopolise mum’s attention, and resentment grows. By recognising children as individuals with specific wants, needs, and motivations, we can better inspire a long-lasting bond, regardless of their differences.
Changing Needs
What your six-month old needs is very different from what your two-year old needs. When they’re small, children evolve at lightening speed, and their identities change along with their needs. A toddler is fiercely protective of toys. Enter a baby brother into the mix and every interaction becomes a fight. The toddler isn’t being selfish – he’s simply being a toddler. Parents can avoid aggression that comes from these conflicts of interest by being aware. If the older child doesn’t want to share his prized race car with the younger, work out a compromise. Negotiation, in this case, is a great solution.
Role Models
What do you and your partner teach your children? How do you handle day-to-day disagreement and tensions? Do you blow up or sulk when you don’t get your way? Do you talk things out? Work toward compromise? Our children watch us far more than we notice, and how we behave and interact, particularly in the face of difficulty, teaches them how to treat the world. The way parents resolve disagreement is a strong model for children. Each interaction is showing them how adults behave and what’s “normal” grown-up behaviour. The better the model for bonding, the better the bond will grow between siblings.
Disagreements happen. Siblings fight.
For parents, it can be heartbreaking (and, alright, annoying). Minimise the rivalry and maximise the bonding by being fair and attentive. Set aside “alone time” for each, some time to spend with mum and dad without the other sibling around. Listen to how they feel, let each child be himself and recognise that individuality. In the end, good parenting is all about paying attention – to ourselves, to each other, to the family as a whole – and modelling the behaviour we want to see in our children. By setting a positive example, parents play an integral role in building sibling bonds.
